the dodo's conundrum

I need to..I don't know vent.
offload.
let it go.
unbottle
make known.
voice.
stephen king said "any word you have to search for in
a thesaurus is the wrong word"
oops

OKAY. its been awhile I dont know how
to talk anymore.
ever since last night there's been this weight
on my heart. Ive prayed, I dont know what it is.
am I not listening? not hard enough? I dont know.
maybe its not even a weight. maybe its hormones.
my self esteem is low.
I dont trust my emotions, or think of myself as...worthy
not of love but, ugh this is stupid. a boy. man. male.
and I'm JEALOUS now all the time.
its so dumb ridiculous dense unintelligent feebleminded.
oops again.
they drove me home last night, he sat up there with a friend
I know they're friends so why am I JEALOUS. this is so dumb.
I feel dumb writing this. so I will go. no more dumb comments.
and I just felt.. weighted down. I almost cried.
he's only just my friend as well. but he's really perfect.
DUMB. sorry thats the last one I swear.
I'm so obsessed with controlling my future and planning it
out and then wallowing in how it will undoubtedly never happen.
that when someone like this comes along I just think:
"God? can he be mine? I mean I know I'm young, but just
give me some sort of an inkling of what my future is"
why am I so eager to grow up?
we were driving and I over romanticize EVERYTHING
and I thought " I want to be by those trees right now
looking at the stars, listening to the shins, and talking about
the future and meticulously planning it."
and then there was that guy who started this recent
self-assessment. self-obsession. sick obsession.
boys. dating "love". liking. crushes.
high school makes this all such a hassle.
as if my self esteem isn't low enough on a day to day basis.
girls self esteem + boys unpredictability / high school = STRESS
( see why I dont like math?)
add in swim team, grades, and extra curricular ( theater) activities.
I wont miss high school. not in the least.
this post is all over the map, but like I said. venting. thought process.

it starts like that. a hug. a comparison. then the never ending
analyzing of every word I say, every characteristic that is mine
becomes hers. becomes second best to hers.
"wait. I'm better than that. well no maybe not better... its because she's skinny. yeah thats it."
when I start the pity party, I'm not seeking attention
or comfort, condolences, reassurance.
no nothing like that, I'm just not a thinker, I'm a speaker.

his sisters great. I want to talk to her about it. but that would be awkward.
boys boys boys. all my friends.
what happened to my "dating in high school is pointless" attitude?
where'd that go?
am I just like everyone else now?
if so I must say, I put up an unmatchable facade