alittlebearcub.tumblr.com

I keep this really updated
its like twitter, but better in my opinion
^_^

Green Eyes

and

Blood Bank

he recommended I listen to Green Eyes.
have you read those lyrics?
I dont think he intended on me looking into it that deep

;ourhe;qgouheroighr;oiwfdg

THIS IS TOTALLY MEANT FOR A JOURNAL
but my thoughts pour out on here
more quickly than on paper, what a bad habit.
no nevermind.
rah-quel I will talk to you about this tomorrow

SO

a friend and I are street performing
on sunday by the wharf in santa cruz

song suggestions?
we have a compilation of about 24
but the well is dry

DESPERATELY SEEKING SONGS

I really really want this hair
colour and all ( possibly a shade or two lighter)

I'm a little wary that it would look
bad or just dis-proportionate to my body
since Laura Marling is tiny and
perfect...and not I.

the dodo's conundrum

I need to..I don't know vent.
offload.
let it go.
unbottle
make known.
voice.
stephen king said "any word you have to search for in
a thesaurus is the wrong word"
oops

OKAY. its been awhile I dont know how
to talk anymore.
ever since last night there's been this weight
on my heart. Ive prayed, I dont know what it is.
am I not listening? not hard enough? I dont know.
maybe its not even a weight. maybe its hormones.
my self esteem is low.
I dont trust my emotions, or think of myself as...worthy
not of love but, ugh this is stupid. a boy. man. male.
and I'm JEALOUS now all the time.
its so dumb ridiculous dense unintelligent feebleminded.
oops again.
they drove me home last night, he sat up there with a friend
I know they're friends so why am I JEALOUS. this is so dumb.
I feel dumb writing this. so I will go. no more dumb comments.
and I just felt.. weighted down. I almost cried.
he's only just my friend as well. but he's really perfect.
DUMB. sorry thats the last one I swear.
I'm so obsessed with controlling my future and planning it
out and then wallowing in how it will undoubtedly never happen.
that when someone like this comes along I just think:
"God? can he be mine? I mean I know I'm young, but just
give me some sort of an inkling of what my future is"
why am I so eager to grow up?
we were driving and I over romanticize EVERYTHING
and I thought " I want to be by those trees right now
looking at the stars, listening to the shins, and talking about
the future and meticulously planning it."
and then there was that guy who started this recent
self-assessment. self-obsession. sick obsession.
boys. dating "love". liking. crushes.
high school makes this all such a hassle.
as if my self esteem isn't low enough on a day to day basis.
girls self esteem + boys unpredictability / high school = STRESS
( see why I dont like math?)
add in swim team, grades, and extra curricular ( theater) activities.
I wont miss high school. not in the least.
this post is all over the map, but like I said. venting. thought process.

it starts like that. a hug. a comparison. then the never ending
analyzing of every word I say, every characteristic that is mine
becomes hers. becomes second best to hers.
"wait. I'm better than that. well no maybe not better... its because she's skinny. yeah thats it."
when I start the pity party, I'm not seeking attention
or comfort, condolences, reassurance.
no nothing like that, I'm just not a thinker, I'm a speaker.

his sisters great. I want to talk to her about it. but that would be awkward.
boys boys boys. all my friends.
what happened to my "dating in high school is pointless" attitude?
where'd that go?
am I just like everyone else now?
if so I must say, I put up an unmatchable facade

mmmmm
I REALLY want to dye my hair
it will take some convincing of my mom.
I want to do either strawberry(ish?) blonde
or really pale blonde
not so much of a dye as a tint...
any suggestions/votes/convincing techniques?

Her Morning Elegance

I realize I'm a lazy blogger lately
Soon I hope, I can write a big long
blog about my lifey
heres this for now :)
(watch in high quality please)

Oren Lavie - Her Morning Elegance
by IgnitionVM

as I was browsing in Art...

I happened across this gem.
it reminds me of Eric SD :)

16 years and counting

UGH I feel like lately all the blogs I write are
sad, which is dumb. Its like a constant pity party.
so today was my 16th birthday and concurrently one
of the worst days Ive ever experienced.
I woke up late and sick this morning
became super stressed since mom was going insane
about getting us out the door to school.
so I went to school with wet eyes, no sweatshirt,
and suede shoes in the rain.
at least my shoes held up.
By the end of tutorial I was drenched, even more
sick, and dragging around droopy balloons
that my grandma sent.
lunch was better, since I was around happy people.
I'm a total extrovert and get all my energy from other
people I found out.
But then I come home. If you know my parents
and the situation last year you know that
my freshman year didn't go so smoothly.
however since Stockton and not having a life Ive been
a really good girl and barely been able to hang
out with my friends.
I'm supposed to spend the night at my friends
tomorrow night and since I didn't get to school
on time now I can't go. fantastic.
I know this all sounds very "woe is me" and I'm aware
its not the end of the world but this birthday is the
worst. I haven't had a good birthday since I was ten.
and I guess I'm just fed up with it

Rand

I was in an awful mood the other day and then I went
to school probably the most tired Ive ever been.
I didn't not fall asleep in class until 5th period.
but today was much better, I still dread math class unfortunately.
love my teacher and her aid but I struggle with math so much.
Rosa Lee, her teachers aid from talked to me about it,
I decided I like her. She's this sweet little timid asian girl
who's majoring in math at UCSC and planning on being a teacher.
I think the class takes her for granted, they don't respect her.

anyways, what I wanted to say was the night I got back from
snow camp, when I wrote the previous blog entry
I don't know what was going on but I just needed to be back at
camp. So I journaled about it, which Ive found is really the best
way for me to talk to God. I feel like I'm such a talker all the time
and when I talk to Him I always find myself distracted because
I'm so awkward when I talk to Him out loud.
So writing him letters just feels perfect.

Swim team starts tomorrow and I'm really nervous/excited
I have to miss the second rehearsal which is no good
but I got three new swim suits! and goggles and a cap!
which will last me several seasons

MY BIRTHDAY ON FRIIIDDDDAAAAYYYYY!
I dont even know what to do. My family and I are too poor
for me to go to San Francisco for the day like I want to
but I might be able to do that in the spring.
haha I dont even have my permit yet and I'm turning 16
awesome.

well I'm supposed to be doing homework but that was everything
that was running through my head and just needed to record somewhere

I guess my point is, things are looking up :)

don't get me wrong:
this weekend was so necessary and one of my
favorites ever, but I'm not ready to be back.
its stupid, I'm actually crying.
but then again I might be starting my period
this week so it might just be hormones.
I can never trust my emotions.
but right now I'm just really stressed out.
swimming starts on wednesday, I have rehearsel
at least twice this week and even though the
"camp high" definitely hasn't worn off and I
really feel like I can carry through this time
I'm bawling right now because I miss camp,
just the atmosphere already.
ugh and were about to eat dinner and all I want
to do is sleep or cry or both.
sorry I'm pity partying all over the place, but
I'm in a really sad mood.
I don't know what to do with myself so I guess I'll
just have to journal or something in a little bit.
maybe play some music or knit. that always calms me down
yours,

quotes

" there is a possible baby bear sighting.."

"Dear Parents;"

I know there are so many more but my short term memory is awful
please comment and remind me!

SNOW CAMP

greetings from home again;

I’m back from snow camp, which was a fantastic time.

the highlights were definitely:

• Jeff Neckers
• Jeff Neckers
• Jeff Neckers

not really. But it was definitely a perk ;)

I AM A SKIING LEGEND

maybe thats an exxageration, but I’m very near there :)

I didn’t fall once and it was so enjoyable which is never the case.

this is me.

I cant wait til I go skiing again, which hopefully will be soon.

I will hop to getting a less small talkie blog on here during this week

but I'm about to get really busy so...we'll see.

fantastic times

Today: It is so incredible to me that we have a black president.
and I wonder if in my day I'll see the first woman president.
and I was thinking today not just is this a historical moment but
Barack Obama is the first black male of significance to speak
on those steps since Martin Luther King Jr. only a day after
his birthday, he would be 80 years old were he still alive.
wow, this is just wow. this day, this generation. can't wait.

Yesterday: aw man yesterday was so great. Rachel, and Michaela,
and I went to see Slumdog Millionaire which is a great movie,
and I'm definitely buying it on dvd. AND WE SAW ARON!
my english teacher and michaela's theatre teacher from last year.
Um, I might as well not tell the story since Michaela you and rachel,
already know it, and its one of those location things. you had to be there :)

THE OPEN MIC WAS GREAT no matter what I say. It was the
most nerve-wracking/fun/liberating/amazing thing Ive done so far
and the other acts were inspiring, and funny, and fantastic.
Me and Caitlin Hill (sebu) have inside jokes now!

as for the audition (Rachel) apparently the list went up later today
so I will know what part I get tomorrow.
I auditioned for Aptos's musical Working, and its the only good
audition Ive had this year! Nathaniel made me famous! (not really)
he was going to help me practice, but it was fun even though we didn't.

I know this was from the campaign
but I loved this painting of it.
what a national symbol

in with the new..

well this is the greatest photograph of me
but its the most recent and only one I have of
my hair. taken on my phone because I'm
not the proud owner of a camera (sad)
I got a hair cut yesterday and it looks
so much like a bowl cute, but I kind of love it
I suppose it will grow on me more.
p.s. I'm going to write a lengthy blog in the next few days
bout my life-y, and how tonight was the first night I performed
one of my original songs in front of an audience! open mic! aaaah!

so perfect

Rave in a library


this really just made my life.
pulse.beat.perfect.
the crowd is this living thing
its weird to me

Christmas the Sequel!

we went shopping:

Jaunty Hat!

skirt that really does look cuter in real life (AND HAS BUTTONS(NOT PICTURED))
glorious shoes (Kim was my favorite employee on commission)

fantastic day, even though I should have amputated my feet:
I'm wearing sandals next time whether mom likes it or not

what is poorly sorted sanstone called?

^^^that title popped up when I typed "W"
it fit perfectly
I have a rather extensive list of occupational idea's
Rachel has witnessed this
only, I can't remember all of them
because I don't write them all down, I think
of them and proclaim them; then I leave them
so....these will be in most recent order, and as I remember them
the various professions I plan on pursuing. oh yay :)
I'm going to be an:
aerial acrobat (in the circus)
bread bowl manufacturer
berry farmer and maker of jams
a collector (is that a profession?)
an octopus tamer
rare animal discoverer
security guard of some obscure palace
inventor (of various things)
manicurist/therapist
hmmmm...I may have to update this
as soon as I start a list in my notebook, and update it
whenever I think of it. blogging is a long process for me.
Of course, when I was younger I wanted to be normal things
a cat, a robot, an astronaut, a ninja turtle, a princess
a balloon, a singer, a dancer, an actress
in fact I still want to be an actress, but maybe not in movies.
maybe.
mom says at one point I said I wanted to be an acupuncturist
probably before I knew what it was.
This is something I think about quite a lot
last year I had something of a small breakdown
procured by my less than admirable grades, I assume.
it had to do with everyone already knowing what school
they would go to after high school, and all having very reasonable
job choices. architects, nurses, lawyers. it all sounded very boring to me
it still sounds very boring to me.
I can be whatever I want.
but for some time I didn't know that.
I still don't know exactly what I want to be, but I have
time on my side.
for the most part anyways.
and I think I have a few ideas...

quin "who invented swimming?"
dad "fish"

there is officially an affordable bike
famine in Santa Cruz County
if only there weren't a million trips to save up for...
anybody looking for an employee?